okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
