Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
