whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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