I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
