Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
