I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
