There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize