you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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