Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
