Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
