The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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