ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
