She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
