You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
