I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
