I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
