Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
