Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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