In the future we'll all be gay
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the day after is always just damage control
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
