Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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