Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
