I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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