My first STD was from a foam party
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
