I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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