I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
