i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
