I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
