and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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