My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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