Duck Duck Cougar?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
