I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
a search helicopter?!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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