hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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