Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
