why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Mom said you looked used
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
