Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
