I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
