WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
