Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Randomize
