3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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