Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
