Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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