you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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