What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
