rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
