you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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