Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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