I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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