i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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