Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
