I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Someone came in the potted fern
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
