his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
