I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
