I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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