If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
