I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
