can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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